Ryan and Brian Do Crosswords

But first of all, the Oscars. Worst show ever. Just dreadful. Best host moment in the whole show was Steve Martin saying to Tina Fey, “Don’t fall in love with me.” (Honorable mention to Ben Stiller’s portrayal of Joaquin Phoenix.) Best acceptance speech moment was Kate Winslet’s dad whistling at her. (Weirdest acceptance speech moment was Kate Winslet’s dad making that strange “you are my little pagoda” gesture.) But the musical numbers? Hugh Jackman’s first song? What a mess! And that bizarre Singing With The Stars-style thing with Beyonce? Oh, god.

And furthermore — Pizza Hut doesn’t understand how to cook pizza. “Well done” apparently means “Wave the prepared pie near the oven until the cheese is mildly melted, but the dough is still raw. Then deliver.” In the end, my favorite snack of the night was the fruit and cream cheese dipping sauce that my mother brought. Thanks, Xom.

Who wants to meet Xop and Xom at the tourney this weekend? They’ll be there. My mother will be the adorable sexagenarian finishing puzzles in a relatively timely manner. My father will be the one sitting next to her who looks up whenever someone leaves the room, and spends more of the clock time grumbling about how he’ll never finish than he does writing on the puzzle. Should be a joy.

As for today’s puzzle, it’s by Alan Arbesfeld. It’s a fine Monday theme — in Ryan-speak, it is five things that end with -ND and have a B somewhere in the middle, but the vowels seem to be different, when they appear between the B and the -ND. What he would have meant, had he said that, would have been:

• 17A. Stretchable holder : RUBBER BAND
• 23A. Loony : AROUND THE BEND
• 35A. Strong family connections, idiomatically : THE TIES THAT BIND
• 47A. Tax-free investment : MUNICIPAL BOND
• 57A. Tux go-with : CUMMERBUND

I was curious about the word “cummerbund,” so I looked up the etymology. Apparently, it dates back to 1616, from the Hindi kamarband “loin band,” from the Persian kamar “waist” and band “something that ties,” and from the Avestan banda- “bond, fetter.” Who knew? Also, I never know how to wear it — do the pleats go up or down? Someone once told me some trick about that pleats go so could tuck things into the folds, and the example he gave was an usher with ticket stubs. Not only do I think that example is weird and arbitrary, but I still don’t know if the stubs are to be tucked in so that when I look down I can easily count them, or if they would be underneath the folds, and out of my view. Finally, who would ever notice and tell me that my cummerbund was upside down?

Some of the fill in the puzzle was a little too Tuesday for my taste, especially with my mind marinated in manure for the last four hours (the Oscar telecast).

• 4D. Heart : NUB
• 28D. Wry comic Mort : SAHL, crossing with 40A. Camera choice, in brief : SLR
• 32A. Get a move on : HIE
• 37D. For grades 1-12 : ELHI, a word I know only from crosswords.
• 52A. “___ 18″ (Leon Uris novel) : MILA
• 56A. Basis of a lawsuit : TORT
• 62A. Country singer Tennessee ___ Ford : ERNIE

All in all, a fine Monday offering.

In other news, I am becoming immune to caffeine. This is not good. I need to wean myself off it, I think, and then start again. Isn’t that how to make it effective once more? Any ideas, please email us.

See you Tuesday!