Ryan and Brian Do Crosswords

I’ve been doing a ton of late-week puzzles lately, mostly themeless, and I feel like I’m getting better. Then this Lynn Lempel puzzle shows up on my desk, and I go back to being the idiot I’m known to be. I didn’t just have to Google an answer on this, I had to give up and search out two full sections that I found utterly confusing.

Before I get to those, let’s discuss some of the awesome answers from this puzzle:

• 11D. Techies affiliated with a major electronics chain : GEEK SQUAD. I warch “Chuck” on television, so NERD HERD popped into my head. Of course, that’s fictional. But I know the Geek Squad because one of their cars lives in my neighborhood. I see it from time to time, and I want to take my laptop to them and say “why does this shut down after about 20 minutes of use no matter what?” Sadly, the times that I have my broken laptop with me and the times that there are geeks in the Geek Squad car don’t ever seem to coincide.
• 17A. One calling about a tower, maybe : AAA MEMBER. Of course this is “tower” as in “one who tows,” not “place where Rapunzel lives.” I have changed my own FLAT tire (1A. What a 17-Across might get assistance with) twice, but I don’t know that I’ve called Triple A before.
• 20A. Ellen of “Ocean’s Thirteen” : BARKIN. Why wasn’t this clued as “great crossword solver, and knower of all things”? Howard, you should write in and complain to someone. Anyway, I liked the first of the Ocean movies best. And I mean the first of the Clooney/Pitt/Damon ones. I never saw the real original one. But I like buddy movies and I like heist movies. Maybe it’s because my life lacks both buddies and heists. I don’t know. Ms. Barkin is the one in the pink dress. Lynn Lempel is the one in the blue dress on the other side of Al Pacino. The guy peeking between Al and Lynn is allegedly Crosscan.
• 40A. Kangaroo carrier? : QANTAS. I guess the question mark debate continues… Why here? Are we to believe that “kangaroo” is slang for Australian? Maybe. I totally tanked on QANTAS as an answer on one of the first puzzles I did since starting this whole blog thing with Ryan last year. I haven’t forgotten it since.

So here’s my first Area of Doom:

• 41A. Rumble : GANG WAR. You’d think, with my theater background, this would be a gimme (see: West Side Story), but instead I found myself writing in MAN-O-WAR for some reason, and convinced myself it was right. But this wasn’t my worst obstacle…

41D, 33D, 43D, 46A and 50A — these five answers mean nothing to me. They are, respectively, GOREN, BENGHAZI, AMENS, FOR SHAME and GREEN ZONE.

• 41D. Bridge guru : GOREN. Apparently, Charles Goren played bridge. The card game. My parents used to play bridge a lot (maybe they still do), and I never learned it. I don’t know a single thing about it. I used to read the section of the newspaper where they proposed a bridge hand and challenged the reader to come up with the best plays (or something along those lines). I would read the answers and think they were simply making stuff up to sound important. Bid one no trump, three no spades, pass to the east, blah blah blah. Maybe if I understood the ultimate goal, the game would make more sense. This photo represents the only kind of bridge and card combination I can figure out.
• 33D. Libya’s second-largest city : BENGHAZI. Seriously, the second largest city in Libya? I challenge the dumbest 95% of the American population to name any single city in Libya besides the capital. Any city. Okay, even name the capital. Go ahead, I dare you.
• 43D. Famous last words : AMENS. Obviously this is meant to deceive, but I don’t get it. What’s famous about “amen”? I guess it’s a “last word” because it ends a lot of prayers. But does that make it famous? Is the word “the” famous, too?
• 46A. Cry of reproof : FOR SHAME. Apparently, I have to look up “reproof.” Merriam-Webster says it means “criticism for a fault.” Okay. Seems like one of those words someone made up just to make themselves smarter than their neighbor. I should try that. I will now start using words that Ryan doesn’t know.
• 50A. Walled-off enclave in Iraq : GREEN ZONE. I’m just an ignorant fool. I read the news, but I didn’t know this term.

Let’s now explore the other section that I couldn’t get without help, and that was the middle:

• 24A. Formal discussion : COLLOQUY. Holy crap. I got the -OQUY at the end, which should have been the awkwardly difficult part of this word. But the only word I ever heard of that ends this way is SOLILOQUY, which fits neither the boxes nor the clue. How does colloquy mean formal, yet colloquial means informal? Discuss.
• 29D. Mountain passes : GATES. Someone explain this. What mountains have gates to let you through? Tunnels, maybe. Valleys in between? Sure. Gates? I did a Google image search for mountain gates, and came up with pictures of mountains, pictures of gates and pictures of a heavy metal band’s cover art for their album “Rhapsody.” Nothing else useful, though.
• 32A. Like drag shows : CAMPY. I hate drag humor. I don’t think it’s funny, and I don’t think it’s entertaining. I don’t think it’s shocking. I don’t understand why it appeals to some people. It’s men in dresses with makeup and wigs, usually acting more stereotypically over-the-top flaming gay than the least bit feminine. But is it campy? I thought parody and satire could be described as campy. I enjoy a good parody. And campy humor can be fun (see: Christopher Guest movies). But drag shows? Wait — is there something about car racing going on here? Is it that kind of drag? No… I’m just lost.

Okay, on second thought — I looked for a picture to put here, and came across Tim Curry from “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” That’s campy and drag and I enjoyed it. So I’m proven wrong. Voila.

• 20D. Guy who needs no 24-Down : BALDY. Well, 24-Down is COMBS (Dopp kit items). I think this 20-Down clue is not very good. It makes no indication that we’re looking for a cutesy name — in fact, I think this clue merits more question mark than the Qantas clue. Also, who uses the word “baldy” anyway? Seems random. Finally, most bald people aren’t fully bald anyway, and combs can still be useful for the back and the sides. To this entry, I say “meh.”

Bottom line, this was a frustrating puzzle. Couldn’t solve it Google-free, which was a disappointment, and even when I learned the answers, I realized I wouldn’t have been able to solve it anyway (which was another disappointment).

In other news, come to Lollapuzzoola 2. It’s going to be legendary.

See you Saturday!